Life happens in phases and cycles, sometimes the down time phases are the hardest to get thought and then there are times that everything is going so well yet you cant seem to feel the happiness that you should around whats happening.
Thats where I am at. I have all this great stuff happening in my life and yet I cant seem to be happy about it. I feel like I am finally on my way to what I have wanted since the begining of my time yet I am more depressed then I ever have been.
I am hung up on the fact I am not getting my wishes fulfilled. I am stuck spinning over a failure I feel is unjustified, I am wallowing in the pity of knowing that the situation should and could and would be different if I had just went with the flow in the beginning. But i couldn't, I was too scared.
Following my hearts desire to become something in the metaphysical world has taken me well over fifteen years to achieve from this same lack of faith and trust in myself and what my heart truly wants. i have always second guessed It, crossed it, provoked it and down right attacked its desire's. My own heart. Why is that?
Patterns and experience is showing me that truly this is the same situation now in the romance department. I am attacking my heart so hard for letting a great opportunity slip through my fingers.... not just slip through gracefully but a full on fight club motion picture of alter ego sabotage. I guess the first time never really works out, hey?
When it comes to my career and all the things I have wanted to do and have pursued, I can let go fairly easily under the understanding of the position not being a fit for me or feeling uneasy about it. There was only one position i sabotaged that I held on to for seven years in heart attack mode and let me tell you that has been a terrible seven years holding on to that.
So am I to experience the same seven years terribleness because I refuse to let go of this current heart pain?
I think my thought patterns have been about fighting to hold on to it, like I should have the job position I loved most. But in truth would I have been any better off had I kept that position? I look back now and where I am heading with my schooling and think that I probably would not have ended up here actually pursuing my passion, I would have stayed under the thumb of others instead. In the end I would have left anyways. Maybe just a softer easier way would have been had.... or maybe not.
So what do I do to move through this break up with my current desire in a more graceful fashion? How do I learn to let go easier, because I will be honest, I have tried many things and know of all the things that work and my heart is the most stubborn thing within me and she is refusing to listen to reason.
I look at my entire life and the number 3 year I am for numerology and it is suppose to be my joy year. My fun year, my finding a voice year and with the exception of that last part none of the other stuff is joyful. I feel attacked on the outside from all the people around me. For the first time in my life people really do not like me.
Becoming strong in personality and learning to love yourself fully has some serious drawbacks. When I was just an image for other people to like because of my insecurities I felt no opposition from people around me. i didn't even understand how much bliss that was to be a wall flower, a follower, the person that is there for everyone. Because now that I stand up for myself, now that I share my opinions and stick behind them, now that I am somebody who cares but is a leader, I feel i am attacked much more.
I asked for thicker skin a few years back. I was told I was too sensitive too many times so I decided I needed the experiences to not fall into that category any more... too sensitive. Well Now apparently I am just an insensitive bitch. Oh how the pendulum swings.
I just want to feel okay with my life. i dont need happiness on the daily, but i would like peace. I have sought peace out many times and have established and maintained it for periods of time, then I get bored. So really this is where the cycles and patterns of life are observed most greatly. Within my feelings. Because really feelings have an odd way of not matching whats happening in your life.
The law of attraction is such a 3d world of surface functioning. Be happy, smile lots and surely people will smile back, have a scowl and indeed people will follow and mirror that back to you. But that is the extent of the law of attraction. Do good things and good things will happen for you, and surely this is true as well, but there is a border line followers agenda here because we are not happy all the time.
So flowing with the cycles and understanding what brings on your melancholy is probably a better action then diving into either shifting the feeling or drowning in it. I am without my jeep for two months. my jeep is my passion right now. i love being in it, I love pushing it to see what it can do, I love the feelings it brings me when i am stunting, I love how it makes me look and feel when I am with it. i truly love my jeep.
Am i a materialistic person? Not at all. I am a naturalist who loves to live simply and one day will retire to the mountains to live out my retirement years in solitude living off the land. but for now, I want to experience everything and i want to win at the game called life. so ya I am depressed that my passion is sitting in my mechanics shop needing a total front end over haul. That and mix in my love interest failed me and yes my heart is pretty desolate right now.
Maybe my sadness is what I need to function in life. maybe I will always be sad. maybe its my true love affair to stay in what is most comfortable for me, a broken heart.
And then there is the point of doing what you know is best for you. There is the understanding that the universe does provide for you when you are providing for it. Taking care of your responsibilities is the way to move your heart out of misery because it is a sense of doing whats right and well in your world. But slipping into depression and letting your day take over the feel of misery without any sort of reward is very inviting when you are getting tired of very little rewards happening.
Stop and smell the roses, take note of the small things and give thanks often for what you do have. These are all things I tell myself on the daily. but truly I am overwhelmed. and if I am overwhelmed now, how the hell am I going to add more to my plate to move forward? How can i flip this around? even though I have been here a thousand times i still struggle with trying to figure it out each time I slip back into this cycle. Do I really have control getting out of it, or am i just to flow as always and know I am never really the one in control, or is it the other way around.... am I always the one in control??