I just posted in my other blog about the importance of taking a day for yourself, yet struggled internally with myself.. Wondering if I was isolating or really needed some down time. I am made aware of the strong desire I have to isolate when I am going through 'some' feelings.
Reaching out is the hardest thing for me to do.
I always feel like I am imposing on people. Why would they want to hear about my problems?? That is the resentful part of me. The self centered part of me has different reasons for not reaching out. Like, What will the person want in return for helping me through something??? Much of the time I think that it's better just to work through it myself and not get others involved because they just complicate things.
Except, now having worked through an entire set of twelve steps, what I seen as complication before was actual healing and healing is sometimes a messy process.
Reaching out is about healing and getting better from whatever it was that caused you to want to isolate in the first place. We all have a story and each of our stories involves a level of pain and hurt that has caused some of us to close up and protect.
We are not isolated beings at birth, we are social creatures and need that interaction. Without it we die slowly. It's a proven fact that a baby that does not get held, will surely die. That does not change as we age, our bodies may physically survive but everything within us fades into the darkness.
Today, I want to be alone, is it isolation or is it just wanting some alone time?
I struggled hard with this when I was cancelling my appointments and planning for a day of watching movies. As I began beating myself up, I stopped myself and checked my past few days and the next few days... they are all packed with people and stuff to do. I don't believe I am isolating, I believe I am practicing self care and recharging.
Learning to spend time alone with yourself to get out of your own head and into the moment is a highly beneficial thing to our power systems. A reset.
Learning to listen to your body, mind and spirit is the practice. A discipline to tapping your intuition and seeing what works for you and how to power up your own system. I have been so disconnected from all aspects of myself that this is the true lesson I am facing.
Building trust with myself. Being alone with myself. Resetting the energetic flows within me can only be done when I am alone. Really that is what I need to do. It's the loving myself and sharing with myself that is number one today. I am just sad, not conflicted.
Thanks for listening.... hmmm. Well look at that I guess i did end up sharing after all.
"Energy is our choice to direct, and our discipline to obtain"
That was a line from my last post. It was not my line. I didn't read that line anywhere. It came from some where deeper I think. I have chewed it over lots this week as my energy continued to drain and I was finding myself getting to the angry part of H.A.L.T. Hungry, Angry, Lonely , Tired....... in case you missed last weeks read. Even in my awareness I was unable to stop the cycle of halt this week.
Last night as I was unwinding on my deck, the thought of breath work kept creeping into my mind. I realized yet again on a new layer of the onion peel that I have not been breathing. When I get busy at work, or stressed with life, my breath is shallow and quick.
So I took a few deep breaths that turned into many deep deep breaths and instantly I was beginning to feel better, peaceful.
Then I was reminded of how I have been here before. I have a post I wrote like six months ago about the importance of breath work in our daily lives. Looks like I need to revisit my own words of wisdom, yet again. So here is that post cut and copied....
.....Yogi Brent is who I wake up with in the morning. The above Video is my daily program for connecting body, mind and Spirit. I do not spend much time anymore between my alarm going off and my morning guided breathing mediation.
That time space of pure relaxation. The void between my spiritual world of slumber and my physical existence. This is often the time destroyed by my ego's need fill the peace with thoughts of dread and chastisings over my day yesterday or the day ahead of me. It is during this critical time that my whole days attitude is forged. I do not sit here long enough for my Ego to fuck with that.
Eye's still half closed I crawl to the bottom of my king size bed and open my laptop that lives on the corner of my massive bed. I tune in to my Favorite YouTube video by yogi Brent, Kundalini Energizer Breath series. I then precede to bring conscious breath into my body for 25 minutes. Some days I feel a lack of energy to stay focused and other days I nail the meditation. No matter how I feel beginning or during the meditation, by the end of it, I feel ready to bounce through my day in love and gratitude.
History for me shows that when I do a breathing meditation daily my life climbs these massive mountains with ease. I remember several years ago.. 2006. I began a Fire breath meditation. I had no understanding of what I was doing, I just liked the way it made me feel. I did the 30 minute breathing routine everyday faithfully for a good six months. During the time of this daily practice, I wrote some goals I wanted to achieve for my life. ... Getting a better paying job, losing weight, quitting smoking.......among them. Looking back now, all of those goals were not only achieved, but exceeded my wildest expectations.
Today I can already feel the shift in my reality.
As within, So without.
I have been doing some research this time as to why this form of meditation is so effective. I have learned that I hold my breath in times of stress. I have learned that my Ego was creating a continual world of fight or flight for me. Telling me i needed to be all these things and Do all these things to be okay. In a place of mild panic and acceptable go, go,go..... all the time. Our bodies and spirits are not meant to sustain this state 24/7.
We hold our breath..... or smoke something.
Did you know that Breath is the one thing we cannot live without for any amount of time?
We can starve ourselves to death. We can dehydrate ourselves and most of us are. We can harm ourselves in all the ways we want to, but we can not choose to stop breathing, we cannot force ourselves to stop breathing.
Breath is Prana. Prana is Life force.
You cannot kill the source directly. You cannot take your own breath. That life force is always with you, no matter how much you turn your back on it. So my take on that now is if you can't live without it, then you might as well make it work to your advantage. I have learned that breathing serves so many functions other then to just give you oxygen.
Did you know you use 18 muscles when you breath? 10 coming in, 8 going out, deep breathing tones your abs!! Oxygen increases the function of your circulation. This means your heart and your blood that keep you alive and keep love flowing throughout you is detoxed. No wonder I was having circulation issues, which by the way are all gone now.
You could not speak without breath. To find your voice and stand in your truth, you need deep healthy breath. Breathing increases your metabolism and helps eliminate waste, again with the weight loss and toxic release.
Most of all for me breath helps me ground and center. Breath is the way I connect with divine Spirit. Life force. The source. If you have breath issues, illness's or challenges with breathing.... you have complications with your connection to your divine self.
When my body is healthy within then my life reflects that without. That's the as within, so without. The Wiccans say...... As above, so below. Life force enters our body from the heavens and flows to the earth and then returns from the earth and shoots into the heavens, connecting us to the Christ consciousness.
It is through breath that I connect to my higher power and the divine. It's the physical, in my body, step that I take to shush.. my mind and welcome in spirit.
During Yogi Brents Video he leads us through a few chants that I would like to explain here. I have had to do some research on this as I am trying to be more aware of my spiritual practices. In my past I have invoked some nasty dark stuff that I wish to steer clear of this time around.
First, the hand position he asks us to hold is the Guyan Mudra. Thats where you touch the thumb and the index finger together with palms facing up. When you connect your fingers in this way it signals to your mind and spirit an ancient trigger, imparting receptivity and calm.
There are many Mudra's you can use in everyday life that help you overcome ever day challenges. When I do this meditation regularly and I get stressed at work I remember to take a deep breath and touch my fingers together in this fashion and its almost instant, my frustration or anxiety melts away into nothing.
The Second Two things are the Mantra's he uses. A mantra in this situation is a statement that he repeats. The first one at the beginning calls Upon Divine wisdom. "OM Namo Guru Dev Namo". We repeat this three times in the meditation, during the day if I need to call on Divine help I repeat this mantra and it brings me into alignment with the powers that be. The second one at the the end Means 'Truth'. "Satnam".
To compliment the physical connection through conscious breath to the Divine Source, the mantra's and mudra's use your mind to invoke Spirit.
This is how I start my day now. I cannot even begin to share with you how much my inner thoughts and emotions have shifted because of this. Knowing my history of this has even catapulted the effects. I have changed around the rooms in my home to increase air circulation and find that my physical energy has also sky rocketed. Powerful stuff.
I am so abundantly grateful today.
I am so ridiculously happy today.
I am dreamily in love with my girls, my friends and my family today.
I am eager to work, for a living and on my life mission today.
I am ready to fully participate in life. I am even getting comfortable with the idea of walking through my feelings... but just a little bit! Life is good as I learn to accept my light, and brighten up those shadows
Just takes one deep breath.