This explains why I will never fall in love and why i need to accept that my path is to heal you and love you instead of nourishing my own romantic notions. Acceptance is my word this year.
Warning!!! This Video contains my tears and working through my own personal problem with a romantic obsession. Everyday I have been getting into the habit of Vlogging, this post is making it to my webpage for my own reminder of the pain I am allowing to thrive within my own being because of terrible decisions I have made in the past. The reminder is my self imposed consequence to help me not make the same choices again in the future. Also, My hopes are that if you are to watch this video you do so with a soft heart and a kind mind. I need less judgement and more support at this time. Please.
I appreciate you being here and I even more appreciate your loving thoughts, Thank you.
Here is to the power of words and to the spirits that carry them to the plan makers.
A Hippie Caravan is in the making.
My jeep rebuilt to pull my camper that contains my computer!
All first year steps.
Unedited Meditations, Astrology Reports and Tarot Readings for profit.
Second year steps.
Sell my domestic life and purchase a festival pass to a nomads existence.
Third year Success!
I cannot live in this box that our society feels is safer.
I cannot keep pretending that the systems we have created are good for me.
I finally love myself enough to break free from the Abuse and lack of power my world has inflicted upon me.
To the guides that love me unconditionally,
here is my three year game plan
Please allow your Universal Willy Nilly
to set this plan into your cosmic fan!!
So Mote it Be, bring a new life to me!!
I have been on a journey, let me tell you!!.
For the past twenty years I have been studying spirituality. Diving head first into all religions, getting in touch with my highest self through every program I can get my hands on as well as mastering many forms of prayer, meditation and spell working and what I have learned has brought me back full circle.
Full circle is the only path of learning. Lessons rotate in a cylinder fashion, either moving up the spiral or down the spiral. Movement is the only constant we have.
All of life is made up of energy and energy always needs to be moving.
When I began my quest, as most people do at a time of their lives when they can feel themselves starting to slip down that proverbial spiral, I wanted something more to my mundane life. I wanted some sort of meaning, something to help ease my burdens. Now, 20 years later I am questioning if I found my truth or not.
What started as a quest to find meaning in my world, evolved Quickly into living my life for an outer energetic reality. At some points completely losing myself to it as was recommended by the Guru I was investing in at that time.. Most spiritual practices ask that you give your whole self to the cause, some even want most of your money too!! And truth be told I only found more stress and burden within these rules of spiritual law. Was my own energetic expenditure worth the peace and gratitude I was receiving for living outside myself worth it? Was the foundation really that stable?
I truly found my life to become darker not brighter with a religious/spiritual foundation. Was I not doing something right? Maybe I question to much.
I trudged through multiple Spiritual Colleges, and came to the same point in each class where you can see the finish line but the course load had gotten much harder and motivation had dive bombed and crashed somewhere back in eight chapter. This is the way for most spiritual practices, yes? Putting ourselves through hell to show our worth? I have traveled to the hells of Inanna, danced with the devil and played pan's flute one to many times. Learning that all choices lead to the same light in the end.
Coming up to the light finally, I feel a serious sense of sadness with the gates I am walking through. I am heavy with the burdens of knowledge I acquired along the way, no longer blissful on my fools journey but wise as the monk who has tremendous responsibility now, but a for-fitting of the lighter things in life.
The seven gates one must travel through in our life time whether unbeknownst to you or not, are tests of our own true natures. Regardless of Religion or an educated mind we all walk through them. Why the need to force the test? Why would a God of any sort ask that of you? Why the need to control when the message is one of letting go and surrendering?
Whether one has a belief or not, whether we need the crutches of a God in the sky to get us through or spells to bend our perceptions of reality, we all have a part to play in our own evolution. Educate your mind or feed your heart, both move us forward as humanity and both are equal in their own rights.
Prior to my spiritual journey I was more of an academic preferring logic to superstition. After this past seven years of hell, I think I much prefer to move back into logic then to be fully submersed in a fantasy world where the rules are always changing based on your own level martyrdom.
It's our nature that matters more to me now, not what you have or have not done, or who you may or may not pray to. It's about how you conduct yourself in life not what you do behind closed doors, that is none of my business. I don't care what people say or do, I care about how I feel in their presence. I care about how they feel in MY presence.
Spirituality to me now is about how I take care of myself and how I ground and center my own self. Religion seems to be about sacrifice and other people, that is not for me. I take good care of my belly, and my heart, and my mind and by doing so they take good care of me.
And let me define good care.... it's whatever feels right in the moment, without judgement.
Coming full circle brings me back to a freedom I had before I began this quest, it brings me back to a simple, maybe even a boring sense that no matter what, life is going to progress forward regardless of where I am spending my time or energy. Dark paths lead to the same places as the light paths do, who is to judge your journey but you. It is very simple to just stop judging and to just live for the sake of living.
I liked my way before 17 different religions told me otherwise. And today I will go back to my way.
Live and Let live!!
How do you learn your limits? Through trial and experience right? How do you learn what risks to take and which ones could destroy you? Through trail and experience right? Life is a tricky game.
I used to identify solely with addictive patterns and mental illness's but as my life experience grew I learned that everyone has an ailment that needs treatment, it is the human condition to walk this planet. Pain. We all must experience pain... it is the human experience.
We have gotten so good at masking our pain, avoiding it and running from it entirely. What happens when you stop and face it, when you actually touch the center of it? How far are you willing to go to get to the heart of your pain? Why would you even want to go there in the first place??
Know your limits. That's what I teach in my addictions' programs, how to learn your limits and stay within them. Boundaries and why they are important to keep.
Recently I broke my own boundaries. I asked myself instantly if it was a good risk. My feelings were terrible all the way through, suggesting that it was a poor risk. Sometimes poor risks pay off in other ways and other times you do not feel the boomerang of them right away providing a false sense of freedom from the action.
Every experience is a lesson in limits. What you can and cannot handle, what you want and do not want in your life. Do we always know whats best for us? Why does our intuition speak so loudly against what is supposedly best for us at times then? Who decides what is right for us in the first place, culture or intuition?
If you have a beleif and are of sound mind then you should turn out okay correct? Whats if you have a beleif and you are not of sound mind? Who can tell you if your mind is sound or not? How do you learn the truth of your beleifs if you are not expereincing your limits?
Beliefs change as risks are taken and boundaries are broken. Nobody loves when their beloved beliefs are challenged, let alone by there own making. This is where the power is though..... that moment when you realize an old belief is falling away and the new one rising up is in your full control to mold anyway you see fit....
Ask yourself.... what is it that YOU want? What limits are you willing to push to get it and what boundaries will you put up to maintain it. Is it breaking any previous boundaries already set in place? What are you willing to experience?
If you know your limits you can confidently walk along side any belief to get to the destination you set out for yourself.